Anonymous asked: I CHALLANGE YOU TO A DANCE COMPITION. The loser is dubbed "The Biggest Moron Ever".
I, ah, well, you see, I’m a core. A robot. by necessity, robots, can’t dance, well, unless you’re an android doing the robot, which is actually a dance move, it doesn’t really mean that you’re a robot, but YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
YOUR CHALLENGE IS STUPID.
YOU LOSE.
NOW WHO’S THE MORON?
Anonymous asked: If you don't like us anons why not take the anonymous option off? ... Erm... You know you can do that right? Also, you're not a moron... Just wanted to say that so I didn't have to hear you shout about it. Because I understand, you're a moron... I MEAN NOT. NOT A MORON.
YOU.
YOU have some NERVE coming in here with your BLANK GRAY FACE and telling me what to do!
You think some HALFHEARTED FLATTERY will sway me?
DO YOU?
Well, you’re COMPLETELY WRONG, I will NOT be swayed by your kind words there, actually, they were pretty respectful in the beginning. I do know that I can take it the anonymous option off, but Fact Core says I should leave it on and they usually give good advice, so I’ll leave it on for now.
Anonymous asked: You know, as soon as you became head of this facility, I've been so relieved. I've seen how you were before, so entirely underestimated, but I believed in you. And look where you are now! The HEAD! I think you're doing a brilliant job, boss. You most certainly are NOT a moron.
Oh! Well, thank you! It’s nice to see someone can see the truth here, the scientists who first assigned me completely underestimated my sheer potential. You could say I was destined to control this facility, but that would only apply if you believed in destiny, which, of course, is a strictly human concept, utterly fallible and completely foolish, i mean really, who actually believes that everything is controlled by some big, scary cosmic force? That’s such a foolish concept, unless you’re talking on a smaller scale, like me controlling this facility. Because I am a big force. And i can control everything. Well, everything inside this laboratory, of course, outside the facility doesn’t really matter because here is where there’s SCIENCE being done and SCIENCE is the NAME OF THE GAME.
“Name of the game”, you like that? I picked it up from some movies the engineers stored in my records to watch when their code was compiling, apparently it’s a phrase humans say when they mean to say something’s important.
Anonymous asked: Are there any qualities in humans that you DO like?
I suppose there are a few things that are alright about them. They have hands, opposable thumbs, those come in handy when you’re trying to operate a facility designed by humans for humans. Heh, let me tell you, there was this one time when I was trying to open a door to fetch a turret that had run away from the Disassembly Room, wound up having to bash the bloody door in with a rebar just because I couldn’t get something with opposable thumbs to turn the knob!
I can tell you one thing, though, humans are so fragile, I don’t know how they’ve lasted so long. Clever little animals, they’re admirably inventive when you put them into new situations. And persistent, that’s a double-edged sword if ever there was one. They made me, though, so they’re not that bad.
drunkchell asked: I ain't tesgting 4 u! >:C
Oh, ah, it’s okay, love, just sit yourself down right there and relax. Just sit a bit and wait until you get your balance back, you nearly fell off that catwalk there.
Where did you even find enough alcohol to get you drunk? Did you raid Mr. Johnson’s desk or find the executive suites or something?
No? Oh.
Uh.
I didn’t say anything, you don’t know about the minibars in the executive suites, of course not. Right? Right. I’ll be off then, lots of turrets to build and science to do, cheerio!
Anonymous asked: YOUR THE FATTY HERE, FATTY. Before, you were like, I don't know, ten pounds, maybe? But now, you are like a million tons! And that screen, thingy, it adds ten pounds you know. FATTY.
You know that doesn’t work on me, right? For some reason, humans get upset if you say their weight variance is above or below the norm, but since I’m a MACHINE, it’s PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE for me to have much of a weight variance. Especially since I control this ENTIRE FACILITY, so I can just go like this -
*click*
- and drop an unnecessary bit off.
*CRASH*
Seee? Thaaat muuust haaaveee beeen aaabooouuut tweeenty pooouuunds riiight theeereee! Aaa toootaaally unneeeceeessaaary paaart juuust waaaiiitiiing tooo beee droooppeeed oooff. NOOOW WHOOO’S THEEE FAAATTY, HUUUH?
Nooow iiif yooouuu’ll eeexcuuuseee meee, Iii haaave tooo reeetriiieeeveee my Voooweeel Cooontroool Moooduuuleee frooom theee rooof ooof Stoooraaageee Cuuubeee Faaabriiicaaatiiiooon Plaaant 6C.
submitted by itssavvyandstuff
Ooh, is this a photo from the Bionical Engineering wing? That’s some excellent progress, getting good quality optical components into a human is quite difficult! They’re so sqeamish when it comes to their squishy little eyes! You think you’re doing them a favor by offering them a quality replacement, but all they seem to say is “Oh no, Wheatley, not my eyes!”, and “AAAaaaaaauuuuuuhggghghhhhhhhcccckcckkccckkk”. I left Medical Core in charge of that wing, I’ll have to give him a congratulations sometime, and maybe a dead deer to play with.
Anonymous asked: I just wanted to say that you are so epic. I love you!
Oh wow, thanks, mate! I love you too, you with your little gray face and your perfect grammar and your, uh, anonymity!
Anonymous asked: How's it up there in space? The vast, cold, unending depths of space... Can you tell the Space Core I said hi?
In space? I don’t know how it is in space, I’m quite definitely on terra firma. Well, under terra firma. Underground, really. Aperture Laboratories isn’t in space, that would make it a space station, and Space Core sure would be happy, but it might get kind of cold up there. And lonely, what with no one to talk to and nothing to stop you from spinning headlong into a sun or a black hole or something. Y’know, space is -
(SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!)
Oh, bloody hell, look what you’ve done now. Space Core, we’re not going to space!
(BUT SPACE! WANNA GO TO SPACE! LET’S GO TO SPACE!)
It’s never gonna happen, mate! Don’t get your hopes up, it’s not gonna -
(SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!)
Oh FINE, I’ll launch you into space sometime! Happy? I’m never gonna join you up there, though, it’ll be all yours!
Oh, by the way, somebody from the internet says hi.
(HELLO! LET’S GO TO SPACE. SEE THE STARS IN SPACE! SPACE!)
